This morning I ran from where I am staying, house sitting for friends, to my sister's house. It is about 4 miles or so one way. As I jogged leisurely by a house where a couple were enjoying their morning coffee on the porch, I waved. They waved back and the gentleman who was perhaps ten years older than me, offered words of encouragement, "Hang in there! You can do it! Just keep putting on foot in front of the other."
I had no doubt that I could do it. I don't think I've ever had any doubt that I could do it (finish a run that I started). I guess I must look old, tired or too fat. That has to be why people say things like that to me. BECAUSE they do. This is not the first time. I never cease to be surprised when it happens though. I try to assess what I must look like. I wonder if my face looks pained or strained, if my gait looks shuffled or awkward.
Sometimes people have offered that kind of encouragement to me while I've been in the midst of a 15 miler. I laugh inwardly thinking, if they only knew.
Sometimes I want to make a snotty remark, but then, nothing is gained by that kind of negative energy. And they mean well.
I guess I need to lose some more weight and then see if I get remarks like that.
Motivation to get 20 pounds off.
For some reason I am tired today though. When I am tired, sometimes I lose my discipline.
Oops. I have to confess. I just ate three cookie bars from the refrigerator. Yesterday I had an ice cream cone, followed by a piece of fudge. Does it count if I through the rest of the fudge in the trash? Several pieces? The day before that I had a thin slice of chocolate cake with ice cream - my niece had made it about a week before and I found it in my sister's basement refrigerator. It wasn't even fresh anymore. The cake, the fudge, the ice cream....none of those really even tasted good. The cookie bars did though. They are the classic cookie bars that my mother makes as comfort goodies for all our family get together.
So what's up with my behavior? I need to figure this out. I just signed up for a weight loss challenge, under the pseudonym of a body transformation challenge, and here I go sabotaging the effort before I even get started.
Well, I am going to be honest about this kind of thing and see if I can't figure this out. I do agree I am tired. I've had nightmares (or stress dreams, I guess, if those qualify as nightmares) two nights in a row. I think that the stress of being back here in Iowa and taking care of my sister....and the issues my aging parents are having, are starting to wear on me.
What to do? I need to get a handle on this.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
Body Transformation Challenge
I just signed up for the Body Transformation Challenge in Fairfield, Iowa. Fairfield is where I grew up and where all my siblings and folks still live. I am here indefinitely, staying days with my sister who has Stage 4 cancer. I talked about that a bit in the last post.
I think part of why I am so aware of my physical well being is because of my sister's health. Also, because my best friend dating back to Junior High School, died of cancer a couple years ago. It was when I flew to Houston to see her, when she was still doing well and still working, that I was introduced to the idea that what we eat really does make a difference to our health, particularly in regard to chronic diseases and cancer. My friend had told me not to consume any dairy products that weren't organic, and to ensure my daughter did the same. Her oncologist had told her that when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer 20 years earlier. But now it was back - metastasized. Breast cancer ran in my mother's side of the family.
I started making changes then. I'd always been a runner, but now I started thinking and reading more about nutrition.
So, I've been contemplating going for a 50 miler and losing 20-30 pounds.
When a lady handed me a piece of paper containing information about the Jefferson County Park and Recreation Body Transformation Challenge, I felt it was fortuitous. Why shy away from a public contest that would add the support (and pressure) of the group/the public to help me lose that weight, or some of it. I've been stuck at where I am for a couple of years now.
So if what you are doing isn't working, try something else.
So I signed up.
Weigh in is between Sept 2-6, with photographs. Ugh. :) The contest is up right before Thanksgiving. That is good timing too, don't you think?
So I am going for it.
I think part of why I am so aware of my physical well being is because of my sister's health. Also, because my best friend dating back to Junior High School, died of cancer a couple years ago. It was when I flew to Houston to see her, when she was still doing well and still working, that I was introduced to the idea that what we eat really does make a difference to our health, particularly in regard to chronic diseases and cancer. My friend had told me not to consume any dairy products that weren't organic, and to ensure my daughter did the same. Her oncologist had told her that when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer 20 years earlier. But now it was back - metastasized. Breast cancer ran in my mother's side of the family.
I started making changes then. I'd always been a runner, but now I started thinking and reading more about nutrition.
So, I've been contemplating going for a 50 miler and losing 20-30 pounds.
When a lady handed me a piece of paper containing information about the Jefferson County Park and Recreation Body Transformation Challenge, I felt it was fortuitous. Why shy away from a public contest that would add the support (and pressure) of the group/the public to help me lose that weight, or some of it. I've been stuck at where I am for a couple of years now.
So if what you are doing isn't working, try something else.
So I signed up.
Weigh in is between Sept 2-6, with photographs. Ugh. :) The contest is up right before Thanksgiving. That is good timing too, don't you think?
So I am going for it.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Ramping Up for 50 Miler
I have been absent here since February. I have been absent in a lot of ways since February. I totally changed my life. My husband and I sold our house and gave away everything in it to our kids or to thrift shops. We got rid of our vehicles and lawn care equipment. We'd bought a 38 foot toy hauler 5th wheel and a dually, 6 speed manual Dodge diesel puller. Those two items now make up our home.
But to top that off, I ended up quitting my job, not with the two month notice I'd given (though I'd been honest about my plans and shared my progress with my bosses for the previous 6 months), I ended up leaving within 2 days (with their good wishes) when my mother was deathly ill, along with my older sister having stage 4 cancer. I have two other sisters who live near them. They all live in Iowa and I lived in Maryland. Those other two sisters were exhausted from trying to care for both. So that is why I left for Iowa with two days notice. I drove straight through (still had a Vette which we since gave to one of our sons) to the University of Iowa hospital, where my mother had taken a turn for the better while enroute. Two days later I was able to take her to her home and after two weeks, she was pretty much over the hump.
Then I switched care to my older sister. I'd planned to return to Maryland to tie up loose ends and help my husband move the RV to Iowa but on the day I was to leave, my brother-in-law called in hospice for my sister. People often wait too long to call in hospice and the family all struggles trying to care for the sick member and each other. I just couldn't get back in my car and drive away at that time.
So I stayed. I lived with my parents at night and spent the days with my sister. She could still be at home but not left alone for very long. She was not in pain and was still mobile. We went for rides in the car to parks and just out exploring, we put puzzles together, and eventually she started scrap booking (to get memories organized for her 5 kids) and I started sewing. We had a nice little routine going.
During those couple of months, I planned to run the 16 mile bike trail around the town of Fairfield where nearly all of my side of the family lives.
Yeah. You bet I got it done. I was a hurting pup when I finished it, but I did every step of it. My husband rode his bike alongside. He is so awesome to me. He'd joined me with the RV in April sometime and we'd set it up on one of my other sister's farms since no campgrounds
were open until the end of May.
Despite my best intentions, I started falling off with the exercise and more importantly, my eating discipline while in Iowa. Did you know that they deep fat fry nearly everything in little towns like this in the midwest? And staying in the RV, set up on the farm really didn't make for easy cooking of my own; we were over run by ants for a while, we had flies everywhere, knats, the nearby smell of a hog confinement barn, then the smell of hog waste spread on the nearby fields....and I would come back to the RV after sometimes 12 hour days with my sister. And while with my sister, there was virtually nothing healthy ever in the fridge. And lots of comfort foods brought in the house. Lots of different kinds of ice cream. Lots of cakes. Lots of chocolate and other candy. Yikes. I succumbed. Tired and upset. Burnt out.
Exhausted.
So that is my whaaaaaaa, whaaaaa story. And it turned into a breakdown of sorts. I was crying nearly every day, sometimes three times a day. My daughter, back in Maryland, who is tuned into me, and me to her, despite the miles, became upset about my state of mind. She was homesick for me, and me for her, and she was feeling left behind. With just having sold the beautiful home we'd lived in for over ten years, she was processing that, but was ok because we had her house sitting for a friend who was in Florida for the winter. When that friend came back, our daughter didn't feel comfortable with her house anymore - 40 years age difference. With my breaking down everyday, and our daughter feeling homeless, we decided to return to Maryland for a few weeks, with the RV. Initially I was going to send my husband back, with the RV, to help our daughter. I was going to stay with my folks for that time period. But when talking to the hospice bereavement counselor, he told me not to be left behind. He was right. I think I'd have become no good to anyone if that had happened.
So I went back. Friends of my sister, along with a couple family members, created a schedule to stay with her while I was gone. While gone, I had surgery, something that I had scheduled months earlier but had postponed twice due to my mother and my sister's illnesses.
Now I am back in Iowa caring for my sister after a two month absence. I am back to running, hiking, and now we are even kayaking, having purchased two kayaks while on the East Coast. But I can tell my endurance is not what it was, and of course, my weight, from all that nasty fried food and desserts, is up. Oh, and I should admit I started drinking dark beers. Talk about calories. I think I will go back to wine. Red, red wine.
I have a NUTRiBULLETt now, and my normal morning routine is this:
I have a glass of water with a half-squeezed fresh lemon in it and a few shakes of cayenne pepper spice. I warm the glass a bit in the microwave and drink it down. That is what "Food Babe" prescribes as a way to rid the body of environmental and lifestyle toxins. It feels calming, serene to me. I nice way to start the day. Then I go for a run or a walk/hike with my camera. Then I put stuff in the NUTRiBULLET, drink it down though leaving it just almost chunky so that, as Food Babe advises, there is some chewing action going on to get the digestive enzymes going.
My NUTRiBULLET use is relatively new. I had bought one (and a dehydrator for thru-hiking food) before selling our house, but had not really gotten started using it. While in Maryland, we'd put the RV on a friend's farm (no pigs, no flies, no knats, no ants) but even so, we stayed in the nine chimney, 1790's era manse the entire time. I'd brought the NUTRiBULLET into the house. Our hosts liked it so we left it with them. I bought another one in Iowa. Yeah, at Walmart. Side story: I've been in Walmart more in my time in Iowa since March 2014 than in the last 30 years. Yeah.
Anyway, so far I've been loading the NUTRiBULLET with kale, some arugula, and whatever else I have handy for veggies. Then some fruit. After a while I started putting some nuts in there, walnuts or pecans. Upon visiting an Amish store in Cantril, Iowa, I bought flax seed and am using it too. I plan to vary what I eat. The NUTRiBULLET has taken over what I used to do for breakfast on the norm (when not eating diner food in Iowa) which was a couple boiled eggs and a piece of fruit and coffee.
As I write this now, like a big dummy, I did neither the water/lemon/cayenne this morning, nor the NUTRiBULLET. Why? Because we just started house sitting, which will be for a couple weeks, in Iowa, at a house next door to my parents, no less. My lemons, cayenne, fresh veggies and all are in the RV, parked in the driveway. I am in my PJs while writing this and don't want to get dressed yet to go out to the RV to get my stuff. Also, I don't want my folks, who are probably sitting on their front porch, to see me. I don't feel like engaging them yet today (it is Sunday morning).
Since back in Iowa, almost one week now, I know I need to set better boundaries than I had last time I was here as a care giver. And those boundaries include not only eating healthier, getting more regular exercise, but also having my necessary privacy. My folks have called early in the morning three times this past week, and again this morning. I've not answered. If anyone knocks on the door, I don't plan to answer. Everyone's intentions are good. But I need more quiet time.
So, this is a long blog. After a long absence. And a long introduction to my intentions to ramp up for a 50 mile run. Along the way towards the ramp up, I will take off 20 pounds. At that time, I will assess whether another 10 should come off. I am not sure what I weigh now. Afraid to look. It is such a downer. But I know I have extra blubber that I don't want or need. My sister (the one who is healthy and whose farm our RV was parked on from April to June) weighs between 134 and 138 always. She is careful to stay there. She doesn't really exercise though, nor eat particularly healthy, just calorie watching, I think. But she has the same physique that I have, so I know I wouldn't look skinny with 20 to 30 pounds less. So there is my confession of about how much I THINK I weigh. Yeah. Scary for contemplating a 50 miler. And scary that I ran 16 miles just about three months ago.
And amazing. Yes. I am amazing. I am not going to beat myself up. I am going to get it all done. Take good care of myself.
But to top that off, I ended up quitting my job, not with the two month notice I'd given (though I'd been honest about my plans and shared my progress with my bosses for the previous 6 months), I ended up leaving within 2 days (with their good wishes) when my mother was deathly ill, along with my older sister having stage 4 cancer. I have two other sisters who live near them. They all live in Iowa and I lived in Maryland. Those other two sisters were exhausted from trying to care for both. So that is why I left for Iowa with two days notice. I drove straight through (still had a Vette which we since gave to one of our sons) to the University of Iowa hospital, where my mother had taken a turn for the better while enroute. Two days later I was able to take her to her home and after two weeks, she was pretty much over the hump.
Then I switched care to my older sister. I'd planned to return to Maryland to tie up loose ends and help my husband move the RV to Iowa but on the day I was to leave, my brother-in-law called in hospice for my sister. People often wait too long to call in hospice and the family all struggles trying to care for the sick member and each other. I just couldn't get back in my car and drive away at that time.
So I stayed. I lived with my parents at night and spent the days with my sister. She could still be at home but not left alone for very long. She was not in pain and was still mobile. We went for rides in the car to parks and just out exploring, we put puzzles together, and eventually she started scrap booking (to get memories organized for her 5 kids) and I started sewing. We had a nice little routine going.
During those couple of months, I planned to run the 16 mile bike trail around the town of Fairfield where nearly all of my side of the family lives.
Yeah. You bet I got it done. I was a hurting pup when I finished it, but I did every step of it. My husband rode his bike alongside. He is so awesome to me. He'd joined me with the RV in April sometime and we'd set it up on one of my other sister's farms since no campgrounds
were open until the end of May.
Despite my best intentions, I started falling off with the exercise and more importantly, my eating discipline while in Iowa. Did you know that they deep fat fry nearly everything in little towns like this in the midwest? And staying in the RV, set up on the farm really didn't make for easy cooking of my own; we were over run by ants for a while, we had flies everywhere, knats, the nearby smell of a hog confinement barn, then the smell of hog waste spread on the nearby fields....and I would come back to the RV after sometimes 12 hour days with my sister. And while with my sister, there was virtually nothing healthy ever in the fridge. And lots of comfort foods brought in the house. Lots of different kinds of ice cream. Lots of cakes. Lots of chocolate and other candy. Yikes. I succumbed. Tired and upset. Burnt out.
Exhausted.
So that is my whaaaaaaa, whaaaaa story. And it turned into a breakdown of sorts. I was crying nearly every day, sometimes three times a day. My daughter, back in Maryland, who is tuned into me, and me to her, despite the miles, became upset about my state of mind. She was homesick for me, and me for her, and she was feeling left behind. With just having sold the beautiful home we'd lived in for over ten years, she was processing that, but was ok because we had her house sitting for a friend who was in Florida for the winter. When that friend came back, our daughter didn't feel comfortable with her house anymore - 40 years age difference. With my breaking down everyday, and our daughter feeling homeless, we decided to return to Maryland for a few weeks, with the RV. Initially I was going to send my husband back, with the RV, to help our daughter. I was going to stay with my folks for that time period. But when talking to the hospice bereavement counselor, he told me not to be left behind. He was right. I think I'd have become no good to anyone if that had happened.
So I went back. Friends of my sister, along with a couple family members, created a schedule to stay with her while I was gone. While gone, I had surgery, something that I had scheduled months earlier but had postponed twice due to my mother and my sister's illnesses.
Now I am back in Iowa caring for my sister after a two month absence. I am back to running, hiking, and now we are even kayaking, having purchased two kayaks while on the East Coast. But I can tell my endurance is not what it was, and of course, my weight, from all that nasty fried food and desserts, is up. Oh, and I should admit I started drinking dark beers. Talk about calories. I think I will go back to wine. Red, red wine.
I have a NUTRiBULLETt now, and my normal morning routine is this:
I have a glass of water with a half-squeezed fresh lemon in it and a few shakes of cayenne pepper spice. I warm the glass a bit in the microwave and drink it down. That is what "Food Babe" prescribes as a way to rid the body of environmental and lifestyle toxins. It feels calming, serene to me. I nice way to start the day. Then I go for a run or a walk/hike with my camera. Then I put stuff in the NUTRiBULLET, drink it down though leaving it just almost chunky so that, as Food Babe advises, there is some chewing action going on to get the digestive enzymes going.
My NUTRiBULLET use is relatively new. I had bought one (and a dehydrator for thru-hiking food) before selling our house, but had not really gotten started using it. While in Maryland, we'd put the RV on a friend's farm (no pigs, no flies, no knats, no ants) but even so, we stayed in the nine chimney, 1790's era manse the entire time. I'd brought the NUTRiBULLET into the house. Our hosts liked it so we left it with them. I bought another one in Iowa. Yeah, at Walmart. Side story: I've been in Walmart more in my time in Iowa since March 2014 than in the last 30 years. Yeah.
Anyway, so far I've been loading the NUTRiBULLET with kale, some arugula, and whatever else I have handy for veggies. Then some fruit. After a while I started putting some nuts in there, walnuts or pecans. Upon visiting an Amish store in Cantril, Iowa, I bought flax seed and am using it too. I plan to vary what I eat. The NUTRiBULLET has taken over what I used to do for breakfast on the norm (when not eating diner food in Iowa) which was a couple boiled eggs and a piece of fruit and coffee.
As I write this now, like a big dummy, I did neither the water/lemon/cayenne this morning, nor the NUTRiBULLET. Why? Because we just started house sitting, which will be for a couple weeks, in Iowa, at a house next door to my parents, no less. My lemons, cayenne, fresh veggies and all are in the RV, parked in the driveway. I am in my PJs while writing this and don't want to get dressed yet to go out to the RV to get my stuff. Also, I don't want my folks, who are probably sitting on their front porch, to see me. I don't feel like engaging them yet today (it is Sunday morning).
Since back in Iowa, almost one week now, I know I need to set better boundaries than I had last time I was here as a care giver. And those boundaries include not only eating healthier, getting more regular exercise, but also having my necessary privacy. My folks have called early in the morning three times this past week, and again this morning. I've not answered. If anyone knocks on the door, I don't plan to answer. Everyone's intentions are good. But I need more quiet time.
So, this is a long blog. After a long absence. And a long introduction to my intentions to ramp up for a 50 mile run. Along the way towards the ramp up, I will take off 20 pounds. At that time, I will assess whether another 10 should come off. I am not sure what I weigh now. Afraid to look. It is such a downer. But I know I have extra blubber that I don't want or need. My sister (the one who is healthy and whose farm our RV was parked on from April to June) weighs between 134 and 138 always. She is careful to stay there. She doesn't really exercise though, nor eat particularly healthy, just calorie watching, I think. But she has the same physique that I have, so I know I wouldn't look skinny with 20 to 30 pounds less. So there is my confession of about how much I THINK I weigh. Yeah. Scary for contemplating a 50 miler. And scary that I ran 16 miles just about three months ago.
And amazing. Yes. I am amazing. I am not going to beat myself up. I am going to get it all done. Take good care of myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)