I have been absent here since February. I have been absent in a lot of ways since February. I totally changed my life. My husband and I sold our house and gave away everything in it to our kids or to thrift shops. We got rid of our vehicles and lawn care equipment. We'd bought a 38 foot toy hauler 5th wheel and a dually, 6 speed manual Dodge diesel puller. Those two items now make up our home.
But to top that off, I ended up quitting my job, not with the two month notice I'd given (though I'd been honest about my plans and shared my progress with my bosses for the previous 6 months), I ended up leaving within 2 days (with their good wishes) when my mother was deathly ill, along with my older sister having stage 4 cancer. I have two other sisters who live near them. They all live in Iowa and I lived in Maryland. Those other two sisters were exhausted from trying to care for both. So that is why I left for Iowa with two days notice. I drove straight through (still had a Vette which we since gave to one of our sons) to the University of Iowa hospital, where my mother had taken a turn for the better while enroute. Two days later I was able to take her to her home and after two weeks, she was pretty much over the hump.
Then I switched care to my older sister. I'd planned to return to Maryland to tie up loose ends and help my husband move the RV to Iowa but on the day I was to leave, my brother-in-law called in hospice for my sister. People often wait too long to call in hospice and the family all struggles trying to care for the sick member and each other. I just couldn't get back in my car and drive away at that time.
So I stayed. I lived with my parents at night and spent the days with my sister. She could still be at home but not left alone for very long. She was not in pain and was still mobile. We went for rides in the car to parks and just out exploring, we put puzzles together, and eventually she started scrap booking (to get memories organized for her 5 kids) and I started sewing. We had a nice little routine going.
During those couple of months, I planned to run the 16 mile bike trail around the town of Fairfield where nearly all of my side of the family lives.
Yeah. You bet I got it done. I was a hurting pup when I finished it, but I did every step of it. My husband rode his bike alongside. He is so awesome to me. He'd joined me with the RV in April sometime and we'd set it up on one of my other sister's farms since no campgrounds
were open until the end of May.
Despite my best intentions, I started falling off with the exercise and more importantly, my eating discipline while in Iowa. Did you know that they deep fat fry nearly everything in little towns like this in the midwest? And staying in the RV, set up on the farm really didn't make for easy cooking of my own; we were over run by ants for a while, we had flies everywhere, knats, the nearby smell of a hog confinement barn, then the smell of hog waste spread on the nearby fields....and I would come back to the RV after sometimes 12 hour days with my sister. And while with my sister, there was virtually nothing healthy ever in the fridge. And lots of comfort foods brought in the house. Lots of different kinds of ice cream. Lots of cakes. Lots of chocolate and other candy. Yikes. I succumbed. Tired and upset. Burnt out.
Exhausted.
So that is my whaaaaaaa, whaaaaa story. And it turned into a breakdown of sorts. I was crying nearly every day, sometimes three times a day. My daughter, back in Maryland, who is tuned into me, and me to her, despite the miles, became upset about my state of mind. She was homesick for me, and me for her, and she was feeling left behind. With just having sold the beautiful home we'd lived in for over ten years, she was processing that, but was ok because we had her house sitting for a friend who was in Florida for the winter. When that friend came back, our daughter didn't feel comfortable with her house anymore - 40 years age difference. With my breaking down everyday, and our daughter feeling homeless, we decided to return to Maryland for a few weeks, with the RV. Initially I was going to send my husband back, with the RV, to help our daughter. I was going to stay with my folks for that time period. But when talking to the hospice bereavement counselor, he told me not to be left behind. He was right. I think I'd have become no good to anyone if that had happened.
So I went back. Friends of my sister, along with a couple family members, created a schedule to stay with her while I was gone. While gone, I had surgery, something that I had scheduled months earlier but had postponed twice due to my mother and my sister's illnesses.
Now I am back in Iowa caring for my sister after a two month absence. I am back to running, hiking, and now we are even kayaking, having purchased two kayaks while on the East Coast. But I can tell my endurance is not what it was, and of course, my weight, from all that nasty fried food and desserts, is up. Oh, and I should admit I started drinking dark beers. Talk about calories. I think I will go back to wine. Red, red wine.
I have a NUTRiBULLETt now, and my normal morning routine is this:
I have a glass of water with a half-squeezed fresh lemon in it and a few shakes of cayenne pepper spice. I warm the glass a bit in the microwave and drink it down. That is what "Food Babe" prescribes as a way to rid the body of environmental and lifestyle toxins. It feels calming, serene to me. I nice way to start the day. Then I go for a run or a walk/hike with my camera. Then I put stuff in the NUTRiBULLET, drink it down though leaving it just almost chunky so that, as Food Babe advises, there is some chewing action going on to get the digestive enzymes going.
My NUTRiBULLET use is relatively new. I had bought one (and a dehydrator for thru-hiking food) before selling our house, but had not really gotten started using it. While in Maryland, we'd put the RV on a friend's farm (no pigs, no flies, no knats, no ants) but even so, we stayed in the nine chimney, 1790's era manse the entire time. I'd brought the NUTRiBULLET into the house. Our hosts liked it so we left it with them. I bought another one in Iowa. Yeah, at Walmart. Side story: I've been in Walmart more in my time in Iowa since March 2014 than in the last 30 years. Yeah.
Anyway, so far I've been loading the NUTRiBULLET with kale, some arugula, and whatever else I have handy for veggies. Then some fruit. After a while I started putting some nuts in there, walnuts or pecans. Upon visiting an Amish store in Cantril, Iowa, I bought flax seed and am using it too. I plan to vary what I eat. The NUTRiBULLET has taken over what I used to do for breakfast on the norm (when not eating diner food in Iowa) which was a couple boiled eggs and a piece of fruit and coffee.
As I write this now, like a big dummy, I did neither the water/lemon/cayenne this morning, nor the NUTRiBULLET. Why? Because we just started house sitting, which will be for a couple weeks, in Iowa, at a house next door to my parents, no less. My lemons, cayenne, fresh veggies and all are in the RV, parked in the driveway. I am in my PJs while writing this and don't want to get dressed yet to go out to the RV to get my stuff. Also, I don't want my folks, who are probably sitting on their front porch, to see me. I don't feel like engaging them yet today (it is Sunday morning).
Since back in Iowa, almost one week now, I know I need to set better boundaries than I had last time I was here as a care giver. And those boundaries include not only eating healthier, getting more regular exercise, but also having my necessary privacy. My folks have called early in the morning three times this past week, and again this morning. I've not answered. If anyone knocks on the door, I don't plan to answer. Everyone's intentions are good. But I need more quiet time.
So, this is a long blog. After a long absence. And a long introduction to my intentions to ramp up for a 50 mile run. Along the way towards the ramp up, I will take off 20 pounds. At that time, I will assess whether another 10 should come off. I am not sure what I weigh now. Afraid to look. It is such a downer. But I know I have extra blubber that I don't want or need. My sister (the one who is healthy and whose farm our RV was parked on from April to June) weighs between 134 and 138 always. She is careful to stay there. She doesn't really exercise though, nor eat particularly healthy, just calorie watching, I think. But she has the same physique that I have, so I know I wouldn't look skinny with 20 to 30 pounds less. So there is my confession of about how much I THINK I weigh. Yeah. Scary for contemplating a 50 miler. And scary that I ran 16 miles just about three months ago.
And amazing. Yes. I am amazing. I am not going to beat myself up. I am going to get it all done. Take good care of myself.
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